Noire's Halloween: A Rap Battle
by Evil4Zerggin
Summary: Noire has a brilliant Halloween plan: a Neptune costume. But no plan survives contact with the frenemy. Candy bars aren't the only kind of bars that will be traded this Halloween... Inspired by Reddit WPW #2.
1. Introduction

Noire failed to suppress a smirk. Not that she was trying particularly hard to. It was Halloween: the one day out of the year she could flaunt her cosplay hobby in public. When the goddesses had visited the nude beach on R-18 Island, Neptune and Vert had treated it as liberation—those perverts!—a license to do things that they wouldn't normally have done. Noire hadn't been too keen on that, not least of all because they were there on business. But Halloween—now _this_ was Noire's liberation.

And this year she had outdone even herself. Noire was, as befitting her name, partial to the color black, but today the only black she was wearing was her hair. In fact, today her clothes were positively pastel. Purple boots with a white fold-over. Thigh-high white and sky-blue striped socks. A white, short-sleeved mini-hoodie with lavender and sky-blue lining, fastened by a large circular brooch with a stylized purple 'N', with the hood itself featuring strings in the form of controller plugs. Underneath, a deep purple dress with lavender trimmings and a white sawtooth hemline. White cloth cuffs under white doughnut-shaped bangles, and a similar choker. To top it off, two white directional-pad-shaped hair clips.

In short, the livery of Planeptune's goddess, Neptune.

She wasn't a perfect doppleganger, of course. Noire had drawn the line at dying her hair, as it was a damned nuisance both getting it in and taking it out. Besides, she most certainly didn't want to risk leaving any evidence when she went back to work tomorrow. Another difference was that she clearly had the fuller figure of the two, not that that was saying much when it came to Neptune. Anybody even casually familiar with the both of them could easily tell it was Noire underneath, no matter how closely the clothes matched.

But that just made it easier to give the credit to the right person, didn't it? After spending weeks crafting, taping, and sewing for this little project of hers, Noire had been giddy seeing herself in the mirror in this Neptune costume for the first time, a transformation she relished even more than becoming Black Heart. In fact, she was giddy even just recalling how she looked. Noire couldn't care less about the treats she gathered during trick-or-treating; the compliments she received from the citizens of not only her native Lastation, but also Lowee, Leanbox, and most especially Planeptune were far sweeter. Not to mention that, as a bonus, that would surely generate shares for her beloved Lastation as well, offsetting the time she had spent making the costume.

Sure, she probably could have just stolen a set from Neptune's room when she wasn't looking, but where was the fun and accomplishment in that? Besides, by assembling the costume herself, there was no way that Neptune could see this coming. Traditionally, the incorrigible prankster Neptune had always held the advantage over the serious, easily-flustered Noire when it came to playing tricks. But maybe, just maybe, this time Noire could turn the tables on her long-time frenemy. Noire wondered how Neptune would react when she ran across Noire and discovered that she was costumed as Neptune. Would Neptune be surprised? Jealous that she hadn't thought of such a brilliant plan? Or perhaps—

Whumph!

Distracted, Noire slammed bodily into somebody. Somebody who was wearing some very familiar clothing. Thigh-high black boots, black evening gloves with pearl domes on the back of the hands, and a black outer dress. All with gold buttons and trim, plus white frills with a black stripe. The bust, a double skirt and a detached collar in the same style. A red inner corset with gold and black sawtooth edges. Blue garter belts running down her thighs. Twin blue-and-black ribbons in her hair. Another blue ribbon with gold trim at her collar, and yet another huge one at her lower back.

In short, the livery of Lastation's goddess, Noire.

 _Her_ clothes, worn by the familiar face of... Neptune!? Impossible! How the hell had Neptune reversed her plan? There's no way Neptune could have learned of it; Noire had assembled her costume in the privacy of her room, which she had kept a close watch over ever since that incident where Anonydeath had planted hidden cameras in Noire's room. Could it somehow be just a coincidence? Neptune _did_ look as surprised as Noire felt. But even putting aside the question of whether Neptune had foreknowledge of Noire's plan, how did she acquire such a costume? Neptune couldn't have made it herself; the goddess of this Planeptune wasn't known for her tailoring skills, and she was far too lazy besides. Could she have—

Neptune shot first.


	2. Neptune I

"I'm Noire!

Or I mean, i-i-it's not like I'm Noire or anything!

I'm the loneliest person in all of Gamindustri.

I have fewer friends than even Underling," Neptune sniveled, putting the back of her hand to her forehead in an exaggerated gesture of distress.

"In fact, you can't spell 'no friends' without all of the—" she continued, making air-quotes,

"—letters N, O, I, R, and E!

I'm Noire!"

What kind of way of greeting somebody was that!? The sheer audacity of that Neptune! Wearing Noire's clothes, and now instantly starting to mock her like it was just something to do? Noire opened her mouth to contradict Neptune, as she usually did when Neptune teased her, but stopped short. Protesting directly against Neptune's antics rarely worked even in more conventional circumstances, and it would backfire even harder now: Neptune was wearing her clothes, which meant that, practically speaking, she _was_ Noire. And Noire could hardly hope to win arguing against herself. Noire set down her bag of treats. No, there was only one way she could respond.


	3. Noire I

"I'm Neptune!

I have to constantly mention the fact that I'm the protag," Noire replied, making a blah-blah gesture with her hand,

"To distract from the fact that I lack

Any sense of class or tact

And I do nothing but nap, game, and snack," she continued, pantomiming the three actions.

"My work ethic is an atrocity;

Eating's the only thing I do with velocity.

If I were a Pocketed Monstrosity,

I'd be blocking every route across the city!

I'm Neptune!"

A fine rejoinder, if Noire did say so herself. She glanced distastefully at Neptune, hoping that this would be the end of it. To Noire's predictable dismay, Neptune was grinning mischievously. That purple-haired nincompoop was _enjoying_ this, wasn't she!?


	4. Neptune II

"I'm Noire!

I spend all day slaving at my goddess vocation.

I'm all hard work and perspiration." Neptune pretended to wipe sweat off her brow.

"With me it's unpleasant to make conversation:

Because time I lack, bathing I shun," she continued, closing her eyes, raising an elbow above her head, and taking a long, vulgar sniff at her armpit, before once again returning Noire's gaze.

"Unless it's just before a cosplay convention.

The rest of the time I'm the re-a-son

The air quality is so poor in Lastation." Neptune held her nose with one hand and wafted the air away from it with the other.

"And you thought it was the coal power stations!

I'm Noire!"

What! Now that was just a complete fabrication! Err, not that what Neptune said before wasn't a fabrication either! Okay, _maybe_ at times Noire had skipped baths, and meals, and grooming, and sleep, and social engagements, but there was work to be done, and Noire certainly wasn't as neglectful of these things as Neptune was making her out to be! And Noire would have all of Gaminidustri know that Lastation's program to phase out coal power was proceeding according to schedule, with a twenty-three-point improvement in mean air quality index over the last calendar year alone! But no time for that, there was a retort to be made.


	5. Noire II

"I'm Neptune!

A little child is as mentally mature

As your dear old goddess Neptune.

A little child also has the same figure;

I had to pad my chest for my Halloween costume," explained Noire, scurrilously cupping her own breasts for emphasis.

"Which I was too lazy to make, so I stole it in September,

Or had it made in Ultradimension by Plutia,

I can't remember which! No, seriously, I can't remember." She took a mock-contemplative expression and paused, stroking her chin and looking up as if lost in thought, then snapped her fingers.

"Oh, I know! I must be having another bout of amnesia!

I'm Neptune!"

If this were a physical battle Noire would have transformed by now. What a struggle! Though Noire had to admit it was at least a _little_ exhilarating. She couldn't remember the last time she fought so intensely against Neptune since that canyon battle way back at the beginning of _Re;Birth 1_. Wait, was that even canon?


	6. Neptune III

"I'm Noire!

I can't ever authentically relate.

I seem to think I'm some sort of serious soldier.

But even a soldier knows how to make camaraderie;

I only know how to fake the cold shoulder.

You could call this being a tsundere,

Or you could call it a personality disorder.

It's not such a bad thing to tolerate,

As long as you live across a national border.

.

But there's one who's met with a terrible fate,

It's a shameful display how I behave toward her.

Just say my name, and she'll self-flagellate,

Because I treat her as if I abhorred her.

It's only when I feared it was too late,

When she was nearly slain by the Order,

That I would tearfully deign to contemplate

Saying that I dearly adored her.

.

Who do I mean? Of course I mean Uni.

Who, despite my odious personality,

Still wants to grow up to be just like me.

But you see, that'd be guaranteed to be

Quite the tragedy, wouldn't you agree?

To be as acrimonious as me,

As emotionally phony as me,

And _almost_ as lonely as only I can be.

I'm Noire!"

Oh no you didn't! Mocking and insulting Noire was one thing. But bringing Noire's younger sister into it? You've taken it too far, Neptune! This means all. Out. WAR. Noire took a deep breath, partly to contain her seething fury enough to stay in character, partly to prepare physically for the reprisal she was about to deliver.


	7. Noire III

"I'm Neptune!

 **.**

When it comes to being a sibling, I rank elite triple-'S':

'S' stands for supremely shitty sister.

It's bad enough that I'm a deadbeat who's shiftless,

Who shirks her work to Nepgear and Historie.

But now let me confess just how I fecklessly transgressed

Against my own sis in _HDN_ _Victorie_ :

 **.**

Three years we were captive in the Graveyard.

When she came through to rescue Purple Heart,

I promised Nepgear we would never be apart.

 **.**

Three years in Ultradimension I was stranded,

Shall I mention the first thing I did after she landed?

Recklessly abandoned her with reckless abandon!

 **.**

Three years leaving Nepgear there trapped,

Is what I'd have done if our places were swapped.

While all of that time, Plutia and I just napped!

 **.**

Now that's what I call a 'good ending',

And I've the gall to never make amending,

Not even the smallest little souvenir.

But that's not all for my dear Nepgear.

Here's something I can't blame on

That ending not being canon:

 **.**

I sigh, 'she's the apple of my eye',

But I lie, 'cause I just stood aside

And watched it, didn't even try

To stop it, let her get violated by—

Might I say, vio _-let-_ ted by—

Iris Heart, oh my!

 **.**

(How lewd!)

 **.**

And then I'd have the deluded attitude

To conclude she's describable as unreliable.

Maybe I'd see clearer if I peered in the mirror

That's kept at the head of the bed where I'd have slept

With the one who defiled the smile that I neglected to protect.

It's treason, then, I'd've connived

Against the very reason I'm still alive, all while I'd've

Let her languish in anguish for years and dismissed her

Like I hadn't missed her. After all, she's merely my sister!

 **.**

I didn't defend her from Iris back then... but I could have.

I didn't strand her in Plutia's dimension... but I would have.

The Conquest end didn't happen... but it should have.

 **.**

I'm Neptune!"

Noire concluded. Neptune was struck speechless. All that was left was the chirping of distant birds and the pounding of Noire's own heart. Was it finally over? Was this victory? At what cost? What was this unsettling feeling? Noire caught a glimpse of a pair of figures at the edge of her vision, turned—


	8. Conclusion

—screamed, stumbled, and flailed backwards, followed closely by Neptune. It was the spookiest of sights, more frightening than any Halloween costume, more terrifying than even any real monster. Devilish, one might even call what they saw: their younger sisters standing right beside them. (Naturally, Uni and Nepgear were _also_ costumed as each other.)

Noire's face flushed scarlet as panicked thoughts cascaded through her head. Where the hell did they come from!? That's right, Uni was there because Noire had brought her along trick-o-treating, and presumably Neptune had done likewise with Nepgear. Which meant the little sisters had been there the whole time and had witnessed, wide-eyed, the entire exchange. Why hadn't Uni backed her up? Indeed, why hadn't either of them said anything? Were they too stunned? There was nothing to the nonsense that Neptune was spouting! Noire hadn't meant for the little sisters to see this at all! This was so embarrassing!

The little sisters' lips began to tremble, and so did Noire's knees. Oh no, were... were they going to cry? They were too old for that, weren't they? This was all Neptune's fault! Neptune had started it! Neptune was riling Noire up as usual! Though maybe Noire had gone too far as well... they hadn't _really_ meant everything they had said—right? If only she had remembered that Uni and Nepgear were watching, Noire wouldn't have uttered such outrageous and insensitive things! How could she have let herself get so caught up in the moment? How could she have not noticed—not _remembered_ —that their little sisters were standing right there? Maybe Neptune was right. Maybe Noire was a horrible sister after all. Please... please don't cry... Noire winced as a dreadful stinging sensation suffused her eyes. If the little sisters started to cry, it would surely push Noire over the edge as well...

It was too much to bear. The little sisters couldn't hold it in any longer. Nepgear broke first, into giggling. Wait, _what?_ "Hehehe..." Nervous giggling to be sure, but the hand Nepgear put to her mouth could not disguise it. Noire stared, dumbfounded.

Though Nepgear had lost the try-not-to-laugh contest, having the first laugh proved to be advantageous: Uni still had her mouth closed as she broke in, resulting in her cheeks puffing out followed shortly by a violent snort: "SnnnnnuuuukkKKKTTTTppppfffffttttttteeheeheehee!" Having thus exchanged permission, Nepgear turned away as she erupted into full-out guffaws, while Uni uncrossed her arms from behind her back as she began to outright cackle. Noire inhaled sharply. She felt like screaming again, but couldn't decide whether to feel ashamed, angry, or relieved. In the end, she could only sigh and put her hands to her head in exasperation as the younger sisters' howls echoed through the streets of Planeptune.

* * *

"Oh my goo-hoo-hoo-dness," wheezed Uni, doubled over laughing. "I ca-han't breathe. Ha-ha-ha-halp me, Uni!" she begged, extending her hand down towards Nepgear.

"I ca-ha-han't, Nepgear, I'm dying too-hoo-hoo-hoo," gasped Nepgear from the ground, choking back tears of mirth. "Somebody ca-ha-hall Compa!"


End file.
